Therapy as an Ego Machine
Couples therapy aims to help people find compromises, establish boundaries between two parties, and create arrangements that convince both individuals they can work together. However, therapy often does not question whether these agreements are actually reasonable, as long as both parties appear to agree to them. Yet these agreements are often made under pressure.
There is social pressure—no one wants to seem rude in front of a stranger, so they agree in order to exit an uncomfortable situation. There is also partner pressure—one person may not want to appear disagreeable because they want to give the relationship a chance. In the long run, however, this often fails because the agreements were not made honestly.
To explain further, let’s say Party A and Party B agree to modify their behavior toward each other in a certain area. Party B follows the new agreement, but Party A decides to twist it slightly. As a result, they technically do what was agreed upon, but under different circumstances.
For example, they agree to keep weekends free of pre-arranged activities such as museum or theater visits so that Party B can feel less overwhelmed by Party A’s constant planning. However, Party A instead uses that time for their own activities at home without discussing or agreeing on them with Party B beforehand. As a result, time is once again being scheduled for Party B, just in a different way. Party B may feel that the issue was never truly resolved.
Furthermore, if Party B suddenly changes their behavior, they are blamed for breaking the agreement, and they cannot complain because they technically agreed to it during a therapy session.
The underlying issue with therapy is that therapists often do not investigate why people behave in certain ways. If they did, they might discover that Party A is selfish and egocentric, constantly twisting agreements to their advantage and distorting the perception of reality.
The same issue applies to individual therapy. Individual therapy often reassures patients that they are normal, that they simply need to advocate more strongly for their needs, and that their way of being is acceptable unless it is pathological. Individuals in therapy are taught tools to persuade others and to establish boundaries that better suit their feelings. However, therapists rarely question whether the patient’s worldview itself may be flawed, especially if the patient is egocentric and believes that everyone else is causing them harm.
It is particularly ironic when a couple seeks individual therapy in order to resolve shared issues. It can become an ego trip in which both parties are taught that their partner is wrong and that their only mistake was failing to establish firm enough boundaries.
I believe the underlying issue with therapy is that, unless a behavior is clearly pathological, therapists are trained to accept all behaviors and never tell their patients, “Listen, it must be really difficult to live with you.” In my opinion, therapist should help patients understand how their own behavior affects others and provide tools for interacting more effectively with the people around them.
Modern therapy can sometimes end up creating egocentric individuals who feel entitled to demand that the world behave differently toward them.
Yours, - 9i7wo2 -
April 2024